I don't dance the NLD dance anymore

Hello loyal readers,

I have news for you that you probably won't know what to do with or how to take it. Which is fine because I don't really know what to do with it or how to take it.

I have been rediagnosed with Aspergers, and it is with this news and the steady decline in my enthusiasm for posting here that i have made a decision. This blog was made with the intention of raising awareness for NLD and providing a venting place for one rather lonely twelvey who had just started high school in the middle of nowhere.

That lonely twelvey is now eighteen years old. An adult in the views of the world and as she has decided that she has outgrown this blog. I will still be blogging in my new blog A small view of the world but not to raise awareness this new blog is for me in general not just one part of me.

Thankyou for journeying with me and do not think for a moment that NLD awareness has stopped just because i have. 

unexpected

i haven't posted on this blog in a long time i know, surprising since for four years i diligently posted at least once a month. For a while i just felt like i'd run out of things to say, of ways to inspire people and raise awareness.

Its hard to do, I won't tell you its not, but i'm halfway through year 12 and I know i can do hard stuff. Next week i'm going to take my Learners test and finally starting to learn to drive. I'm worried i'll kill someone but with some luck i hopefully won't.

Some people with NLD choose not to drive because its too scary and its hard. I chose to wait a few more years then I needed to because i was hoping my hand eye coordination would catch up in those few years. It hasn't but i'm going to do it anyway. Or at least i'm going to try.

I'm doing a drama production in two weeks, its bigger then anything i've ever done and i think its going to be great. Life is like a big play after all and it seems to be going alright.

Settling

Settling into this new life now. First terms almost over and we've moved into our house. Still not sure if I've made any friends but I'm working on it. Or trying to at least.

Set up my IEP at school just waiting for teachers to start using it i guess. Sometimes I get to scared to go to the year 12 common room so i go to the library.

I feel really upset with myself when I chicken out of going in there. I was never scared at my old school i knew I had the right to be in there and I would be able to find a seat.

When I try to go to the one in my new school my legs freeze up and I feel like everyone is staring at me. I feel like i can't breathe and the amount of noise in there makes me feel like i can't think. So I usually turn around and walk out.

I like the library, its quiet and cold and if i go to the back corner no one will know I'm there. When I walk among the shelves looking for a book i feel myself relax. Books are much nicer then people and they smell better. If i could stay in the library all day i would.

Relocation

So we moved and it was ok because I was on holidays so i didn't have to see the house get packed up. I go to a new school now, compared to my old school its huge! I get lost all the time but I'm getting used to it.

There are a lot of year 12s so many i can't count them but there are lots of girls and they all introduced themselves to me at the same time so i can't really remember their names.

They are pretty nice though and even though we aren't besties they let me sit with them. I don't always sit with them though cause the library is so big that sometimes i have to go and look at all the books! They are so cool.

I have to catch two buses to get to and back from school and i do not like it. I don't know why I don't but i don't. I guess I just have to get used to it.

When we get our new house i want to get a new cat because i miss Maple. I want to get a ragdoll and i want to name it Jinx.

This year I'm going to have an 18th birthday party! Wow when I started this blog i was 13 and now I'm almost 18. When I started this blog i wanted to be really popular with 100s of people reading it each day.

Obviously that hasn't happened and may never happen but at least my message is out there so if some confused teen is looking for information, they'll have somewhere to look and someone to ask.

Change

you can change a lot of things. You can change your clothes, Your attitude. Babies diapers. You get the picture. Life is full of change, everyone knows that and there's good change and bad change and all different types of in-between change.

One good change that's happened for me is I'm going to hold off doing Arrowsmith for a year and do year 12 which is something I really wanted to do. I'm going to make friends. REAL friends. Who don't forget to invite me to their birthday parties or accidently on purpose save all the seats on the bench so I have to sit on the floor,  I might even have a birthday party that people will actually come too!

So we have to move so I can go to a good high school for my last year. That's an in-between change.

A bad change is that the last Friday before my big year 11 exams started my cat got hit by a car. Most of you don't know but my cat Maple was one of my best, and well I suppose one of my only friends. I love cats. like really love them. I got Maple for my birthday last year and he was so nice.

His full name was his royal Fluffiness sir John Maple the first, when I got him he was a girl but he turned into a boy. I didn't mind, he was soft and cuddly and he always purred when you rubbed his favourite spot under his chin.

He always knew when I needed a hug or a huge furry cat to sit on my chest and purr. He was a big softie but some people thought he was evil because he used to be a stray. He wanted really badly to fit in my shoe shelf but he was too big.

And then one day he didn't come home. And he wasn't around the next day either. And then me and my sister found his body on the side of the road. Someone had spray painted his face blue. Mum and my stepdad came home from work and we buried him. I didn't go to school that day but none of my supposed friends asked me where I had been the following Monday.

I love you Maple and I hope they have the kind of food you like in cat heaven. RIP.

 

Absent

so guys I know I've been neglecting my blog this year, not a lot of posting action going on so I figured I better give everybody an update on how things are going.

Things are going ok, they are starting an Arrowsmith school in Brisbane that I might get to go to next year. I'm pretty excited because I bet i'll make a great assistant librarian when i'm done and I know my lefts and rights and how to organise things and all the stuff I don't know now.

I mean it might not fix everything and if I do it I might not be able to do year 12 which makes me a bit sad because I really wanted to graduate it would be a big IN YOUR FACE to all the kids who have been mean to me and it would just prove to some people that i'm smart and I can do some things.

Some of my friends and I have talked for many, many lunchtimes about what we will do after we graduate. Some things I know for certain I will do like going down to the beach with my year 12 maths book and burning it... along with some of the maths books from previous years.


I want to travel... not alone maybe with my mum and see all my friends who are in different parts of the country and then i'm going to work as an assistant librarian and publish my first novel when its finished.

I really hope I can go to the Arrowsmith school AND graduate high school cause that would be really cool.

i was right

i was right year 11 is tough, tough as nails, but i am too. For awhile i lost my passion for writing, my fanfictions. the original story i've been working on and this blog all suffered but i think i'm back now.

I thought as i do every year that this would be the year things would get easier not in terms of school work because that can only ever get harder, but maybe my social life might pick up i might go to a few parties have a few friends over have a birthday party maybe? i should know by now that i shouldn't raise my hopes up to high. But i can't help it.

Evidently things are going along how they always have. i've got 'friends' who are nice and friendly. They let me sit with them but they don't invite me to the movies when they are all going together. They don't invite me to parties and i'd bet all the money i have [ not very much] that if i did have a birthday party none of them would turn up.

It bothers me a bit that they all study together and hang out and do the things other teens do. But i don't have anyone to do that stuff with, not one person.

Before this year i didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by people and still be lonely. But it is.

year 11

i'm in year 11 this year thats a bit scary only two more years and i won't be in school anymore! sometimes i feel like my brain lets me down i just want to write a couple of pages of fanfiction in my notebook that is readable so i can show my mum but then my hands get all wobbly so half the words are fine and the other half is horrible and then i know i can't show mum.

At least i'll have a laptop this year for english so it'll be easier to do assingments still i know its gonna be tough.

tough

i've been a bit slack with my blog for ages and i'm sorry but things have been tough and i have been struggling to keep up. My teachers are putting alot of pressure on everyone this term because our grades affect what courses we can choose in year 11.

i don't handle pressure very well it makes me stressed had a sore stomach for a few days doctor put it down to stress. Still mums been great helping me with my homework and assingments and trying to see if i can get put in a easy maths class next year. Plus she picked me up when my stomach was really sore probably because we were going to write a 6 paragraph essay in 1 hour by hand in the next class, which is no easy feat for someone with low frustration tolerance and slow messy handwriting.

Mum explained to my sisters about my NLD i don't know how much they understand but at least she tried, friends well they are there but are displaying signs they don't really want to be. Or i think they are it could be me being paranoid.


Can't wait for next year easy maths library tech at TAFE and maybe some more help from my teachers !.

 

warriors

i am the number one fan of a series of books called warriors by erin hunter which is about a group of cats who fight for survival in a forest in groups called clans and it is AWSOME! i am suggesting anyone who has kids aged maybe nine to fifteen should get them to read it especially if they love animals there are four main series not including the mangas super editions and guides.

The one thing i cannot stand is someone who thinks they know more about warriors then me and whos info is wrong anyway! i am happy to answer any questions concerning warriors so just comment if your curious and want to know more!

feeling lopsided

hmm.. lately i have been feeling a bit like i lean to the right when i walk not sure if its NLD related or not is weakness in the left side of the body common with NLD? i guess it could explain why i mix up my marching at cadets so much but i don't know.. my birthdays next month i can't wait im so excited even if it is just after school goes back the holidays are in two weeks!!!

no school! and more importantly my reports coming actually that may not be a good thing particulary where maths is involved but still.. i went on art camp and brought two new books already read the first one even though i swear i didn't start reading it right after i brought it because my mum told me not to do that because then i finish it before i leave the store..

stress

i realised something today, i can relax with a book or at home but around my friends i don't know how to relax i stress out trying to remember not to talk to much and not to just sit and read but to pay attention and contribute to the conversation even though i don't want too. i need to have friends i need to be social, But i just want to go find a bench with no one on it and read and hide from all the girls talking about makeup and movies and boys.

i feel like theres a jigsaw puzzle and its all complete and i'm the leftover peice trying to fit into a puzzle where i can't fit.

exams

i don't want to go back to school after the holidays cause i know we are having year ten exams next term and i know that even if i do study there will be something that i don't know how to do off by heart and then i'll get stuck and skip the question and then i won't get as many marks and if that happens with every couple of questions i won't get enough marks to pass...

i have more friends now but i dunno if we'll ever be best friends i know the works going to get harder and i know i'm barely passing all my classes as it is and i dread getting my report at the end of next term cause i know it'll have all Cs or maybe a few Ds on it and then i'll get in trouble

damn geniuses

my mother has made sure after a lot of nagging the school that i was put in the maths class with the least bullies/ distracting people this also happens to be the top maths class! most of the kids in there do year 11 maths with ease and if they were all 16 would probably be in year 11! so therefore my maths teacher teaches things veyr fast without putting the steps in an easy to undertand way then he writes a complicated algerbra sum on the board and says " this is very basic stuff guys" which if you ask me it is not!.
So tomorrow we have this math test and the teacher says " class if you get less then 70 percent i will phone your parents and you will stay afterschool every day this week er for me to fix this"

I have as luck would have it had this teacher for THREE years he knows me, He knows how i normally do in maths test generally just passing and yet he makes no consideration on how hard it will be for me to get this 70 percent or above mark.

Mother says its cause he has to teach the ' majority' of the class and can't focus on individuals but i think because HE is a maths genius he does not think it is hard to get 70 percent i do go to tutoring on tuesday arvos but that can only lift my grade so much!

so i have come to accept the fact that i will be spending after school on the last week of the term sitting in the maths room getting confused by my maths teacher and mother will probably lecture me after she gets the phone call about failing even though above 50 is a pass.

I always leave his class feeling more confused about maths the i was when i went in and sometimes i leave on the verge of tears because i don't understand anything hes talking about and everyone else does! it would be almost worth the bullying to be put down a class so i hope i am!

on the right road.. i think

hello everyone!
sorry for the infrequent blog update but life is very busy at the moment i now go to maths tutoring once a week i think this is a good thing as my teacher has given me no indications that i am failing which is good becuase i don't mind what my grade is as long as its not a D or an E although my parents like most would prefer if i would aim for an A but i have a feeling i'm going to be just scraping a B for most of my subjects.

My fanfiction reading is going well i am so glad they have like 1000 stories on the harry potter fanfic site else i'd be out of things to read :] and i am re reading Twilight because it is awsome! and i made a new group of friends that are lots of fun! Although of course i keep hanging with my old friend too.

frustrateted

frustrated at my teachers for not understanding
frustrated at my friends for not even trying to understand
frustrated at myself for not being as good as everyone else
and not being a social success like the other girls
frustrated at my work for not making any sense to me or anyone else
frustrated cause i can't seem to do anything right
and its not fair
frustrated cause no one gives a damn
frustrated is my middle name

books

 yay! my english teacher told us that this term we will be reading a novel which is good cause preferably i would like school to be just sitting in the library reading and thats it! also my maths teacher is sick which equals no homework so i dont have to sit and stare at the page wondering how come my maths teacher said this is easy and that we have done it before when its super hard and i don't remember doing it before! i guess that what you get when your in the top class still you'd think he would check that everyone HAD done it before he gave out the homework oh well my mum helps me through it so its ok!

last nights dinner was the best we had Tacos nothing special but i was starving and had four and they were so yummy, opps there i go letting everything i think come out my mouth i'm supposed to be working on that but i haven't got the hang of sorting through my thoughts finding one relevent to what everyone else is talking about and then making it appropriate and then saying it! oh well i will get there one day!

swimming

i do swim club twice a week at the pool it is a good sport for me too do because unless i am competeing i don't have to race against anyone and since i don't like group work or team sports it is good as it is largely individual AND [ i consider this the best thing] even if we are racing they don't use a starting gun or anything that is particulary loud and startling thye just use this beeper thing it scared me a bit the first time i heard it but i am used to it now i am also getting better at diving off the diving block which i used to be uncomftable with though i am not sure why

schools back

schools back in and i am exhausted last monday i had vertigo cause i was so tired and almost fell down the stairs at cadets needless to say i fully deserved the massive lie in i had this morning and the hot bath i will be having tonight swim club and dance have made my legs and shoukders sore and i feel like a old woman but at least i get to see my friends i got into the top class and i like it cause i have the same maths teacher even if the homework is super hard

oh my gosh

i have been a horrible blogger keeping ou all waiting so long i have been on holiday and have had no desire to write but now i am back and better then ever os i will tell you whats been going on with me while i was away
i got three books for chrismas
i got a kmart voucher and bought for more
and got two as presents so now i have nine new books!!!
i am going into year ten this year OMG three years left of school scary!
and i hope to make some more friends with any new kids that come to my school { hopefully! keeping my fingers crossed!}
and i heard my mother say when we were at the shops and i was tucking in to my chinese that i get grumpy when i am hungry i don't think so but if mother says it then it must be true!